It's Time to Have "The Talk" - Part One

Let's talk about sex.

Wait, before you run from your computer screaming "inappropriate", let me ask you this question: Why might talking about sex on a faith-focused blog make you uncomfortable?

Is it because you have this idea that sex is somehow "dirty" and "sinful"? That you think a blog like this is only going to talk about abstinence, or why people shouldn't use birth control? Maybe it's because, in all reality, you've never actually received a helpful, enriching sex talk before, and were either told "just don't do it" or "here's how not to get an STD"? If you're a person of faith, have you ever heard anyone give a positive, well-rounded talk about sex in the Church? My guess...probably not.

So, we're going to talk about sex, because the Church is not doing a great job of it.

Take some advice from Salt-N-Peppa

Don't get me wrong, it's not just the Church that has a problem. Our society, especially in the United States, has this weird, unhealthy way of addressing sex. It's like a terribly kept secret - you know it's there, reference it subtly in some settings and blatantly in others, but ultimately condemn it when there's an attempt to bring it out into the light of day. I could go on for hours and hours about how the United States specifically needs to reevaluate its views on sex, but I digress. We're not talking about that right now. Today, we're focusing in on the Church.

Now, before anyone gets too excited, I'm not going to present any arguments for or against sex outside of marriage, or birth control, or anything of that nature...not today at least. This is a very broad topic, so to narrow it down a bit I'm going to work specifically from within the Church's officially teachings, meaning sex within the context of marriage.  What I want to talk about today is specifically how the Church talks about sex, and why the current rhetoric is so damaging, even for those couples who follow Church teaching and do wait for marriage.  For you unmarried folks reading this, don't worry.  There's plenty in here for you as well!

I once heard of an exchange between a priest and a young male college student.  The two were talking about the student's relationship with his girlfriend.  They were living together, and were having sex.  The priest and the student basically got into an argument about the situation, and the priest later spoke about how he was so shocked by how "blinded" the young man was to his "wrongdoing."  When I heard this, I was extremely upset, but not because of the young man's actions, or because of the priest's opinions.  I was upset with the way the priest handled the situation.  Instead of using the conversation as an opportunity to talk about the positive things the Church does have to say about sex, and engage with the young man to explore his choices, the priest was completely focused on what he viewed as the young man's "blindness" and "wrongdoing."  A wonderful opportunity for conversation and ministry was wasted, and a pointless argument took place instead.

This exchange perfectly illustrates how poorly the Church has talked about sex throughout the years.  What most people are hearing from the Church in regards to sex is "it's wrong, it's wrong, it's wrong."  Not only does this way of addressing the topic not keep people from having sex, it does a lot of damage in regards to how people feel about sex.  Guilt, frustration, shame, anger, confusion...they feel all this towards themselves, towards their Church, sometimes even towards God.  Many rebel against the anti-sex, abstinence-only rhetoric they hear from their priests and ministers.  Some view sex as sinful, and the stigma remains even when they are married and "allowed" to be intimate with their spouse.  A lot of people, especially young people, feel so uncomfortable talking about sex openly with anyone, mostly adults, that they either refuse to learn anything about it until they're "allowed" to have it, or they have unsafe, unprotected sex because they don't know any better.



Let me break this down into a more specific scenario to make my point.  Let's say a young couple gets married.  They've done everything "right" in the Church's eyes, having engaged in very limited physical intimacy until they tie-the-knot.  Unfortunately, this also means that they've made no effort to learn much of anything about sex, other than what was told to them in school years and years ago.  For both of them, sex has always been a bit of a taboo subject, because they've been told their not allowed to have it, so they've avoided it in order to stay "pure."  As a result, they know nothing about their own bodies, their own desires, or what to expect of themselves or their partner when they're together.  The expectation is that they simply flick the switch from "sex is bad, sex is bad, sex is bad" to "it's okay now" on their wedding night.  But it doesn't work that way.  It's not that easy to go from years of negatively-tinged thoughts about sex to a mindset that it's a vital part of their married relationship.  They don't understand that their physical relationship isn't going to magically click together right away and be awesome.  When it ends up falling short of expectations, that can lead to strain on the relationship, and the desire to have sex, to practice and explore that aspect of the relationship, can plummet.

Do you have to have sex before marriage to gain this knowledge?  No.  Most of the hang-ups that couples who have waited can end up having in the bedroom can easily be avoided by simply taking the time to actually talk about and learn about sex.  "But Erin, won't talking about, reading about, and learning about sex just make it harder for them not to have sex?"  Maybe for some, but not if the Church is doing its job right (which, hint hint, it's not).  For those couples who are dedicated to waiting to have sex until marriage, it's important for them to understand that sex is a really, really good thing.  They shouldn't be embarrassed to ask questions and try to figure out, to some extent, what might work best for them as a couple.

There is some really positive teachings within the Catholic Church regarding sex, but it seems that it is rarely talked about in the day-to-day life of the Church.  Despite the wide-spread misconception (which was at one point, admittedly, fact) the Catholic Church does not view sex as simply for baby-making.  There is a real emphasis on the bond it creates between spouses.  The Catechism says such things as "the physical intimacy of the spouses becomes a sign and pledge of spiritual communion", that sex "is not something simply biological, but concerns the innermost being of the human person as such" and that God wants spouses to "experience pleasure and enjoyment of body and spirit. Therefore, the spouses do nothing evil in seeking this pleasure and enjoyment. They accept what the Creator has intended for them" (http://www.vatican.va/archive/ccc_css/archive/catechism/p3s2c2a6.htm).  Unfortunately, unless you've actively studied or pursued answers to this topic within the Church, you most likely haven't heard anything in regards to the spiritual, emotional, and physical bonding that can happen during sex, and the assurance that God does actually want you to enjoy it. 

The Church needs to change its strategy in how it talks about sex.  Its needs to stop fearing that if it says anything positive about sex to people, especially young people, they're going to go out and copulate like crazy rabbits.  Instead, the Church needs to open the doors to conversation, talk about why sex is good, and why the Church teaches that God wants individuals to wait.  Will this keep people from having sex outside of marriage?  No.  People are going to make their own choices, whether to wait or not to, and that's up to them.  What the Church can do is hold up the spiritual as well as the physical importance of sex, allow people to explore the topic without embarrassment, and realize that it is beautiful.  The Church needs to talk more about why sex is good, why it is holy and sacred, and deserving of respect rather than stigma and guilt.  It will only continue to drive people away and damage their perceptions of sex if it maintains its negative rhetoric.

There's still a lot to talk about with this subject, so I'm breaking it down into three parts.  In Part Two, I'll talk about why the language used to talk about sex needs to change, and why women are the ones receiving the most negative messages about their sexuality.  In Part Three, we'll focus specifically on young people, and how to minister about sex in a positive, uplifting way without ever having to use the word abstinence (whaaaaaat???).

Stay tuned!
Erin B.