Welcome to Prayers of Sophia

It's not easy being a woman in the Church, especially in the Catholic Church where old patriarchal traditions continue to exist. If you're a woman involved in ministry, the potential joy you feel in your work is often dampened by the knowledge that you can only do so much, say so much, and have to live out your faith in sometimes less-than-fulfilling ways. Women do not have many outlets for their voices, for their frustrations, or for their prayers and reflections. Our sharing is limited, what defines us as women is often limited, and yet there is such a deep love within us for our Church and our God that we put up with all the extra baggage and crap. We do the best we can with what we are able to have. Sometimes, though, it's not enough. When we don't have the opportunities to share our faith, to share our voices, that deep love we possess is in danger of turning into bitterness. So that's what this blog is. It's a place for women of faith to speak, to be heard, to share their stories, prayers, reflections, frustrations, and joys. It's a place for us to explore our faith, to show what's in our hearts, and to find support in our work, whatever that may be. Some posts may be serious, some may be funny, some may be frustrating, others joy-filled, but they will be honest representations of the women who write them.

Personally, I will share my own story, but I will invite others to join me because I cannot speak for everyone by myself. I think it's fitting to kick off this blog during Holy Week, with Easter mere days away. This is a time of renewal, a time to reflect on where we are as individuals, as a community, and as a Church. With so much darkness, pain, and overall craziness in our world right now, I think it's important that we come together, peacefully, respectfully, but honestly, to talk about our experiences. So welcome to Prayers of Sophia. To kick things off, I want to share a reflection that I had the privilege to give at a communion service yesterday, March 22nd. The reading was from the Gospel of John 13: 21-33, 36-38. In this reading, Jesus and his apostles are at dinner, and Jesus singles out Judas as his eventual betrayer, though no one seems to understand what he is trying to say. Shortly after that, however, Jesus turns his attention to Peter, and tells him that he will deny him three times in the end. Below is the short reflection I wrote based on this Gospel reading:

When I was a kid, I remember this animated video series I used to watch called The Greatest

Adventures: Stories from the Bible. I don’t remember that many of them, but there is one that has remained stuck in my head ever since I first watched it. It was the video about the Easter Story. Now, every time someone talks about the Passion, the images from that movie pop into my head. For a kids’ movie, some of them were pretty vivid. I don’t remember a ton of details, but two scenes are still very clear to me. The scene where Jesus is whipped, and the scene where Judas kisses Jesus in the garden, completing his betrayal.

 We hear about Christ’s final days every year during Holy Week. The Passion is read, in full, and I’ve heard and read it so many times myself that I can at least recite the order of things pretty perfectly (I don't know it word for word because it's about a million pages long). I know the story, I know the meaning behind the actions, and I know the legacy that those actions left. At this point in my life though, and not to belittle the significance of the Passion itself, it’s the days leading up to the final days that I find the most fascinating. In those days, during that time, Jesus knew what was coming. He knew who would betray him, knew what he would be forced to endure, the suffering he would face, but he continued forward. He didn't stop, he didn't run like anyone else in his position would most likely have done. He stayed on the path that God had laid out for him.

Can you imagine the anxiety he must have felt? To just have to wait, knowing exactly what was coming for him? Those final days as they crawled by must have been agony, a torture he continuously suffered, and the only way out was going to be just more pain. And it was a suffering he endured alone. 

Whenever I am feeling anxious, or dread, or know I have to do something that I really don’t want to do, I’m torn inside. Part of me desperately wants to reach out, to unburden myself on someone, to have someone support me and sympathize with my pain. Another part of me, and the part that usually wins in these situations, is determined to face whatever I have to do alone. It’s my responsibility. It’s my burden. Nobody else should have to carry it for me. And yet, sometimes I find myself dropping small hints. Reaching out to those around me in subtle ways, too afraid to ask for help and support outright, but desperate for something. That’s what I think Jesus was doing with all of his hints and suggestions to his disciples. Throughout the Gospels, we see Jesus eluding to his inevitable death again and again, never quite saying it outright, but reaching out again and again to his disciples. To me, that’s Jesus subtly seeking that support, that help, that companionship that would ease the weight of his burden, if only slightly. He could never give up what he was destined to do, could never pass it to another, but to just have someone know, to understand, to confide in, I imagine would have been such a relief. Yet, his followers never seem to get it. They always misunderstand him, or even deny what he is telling them. It’s as if they are so afraid of what he’s saying that they refuse to face the truth, but in that denial, they are isolating Christ. Forcing him to face the inevitable alone. When he singles out Judas, and even when he singles out Peter, it’s as if to warn them. You will betray me…you will deny me…two of my closest friends will cause me the greatest pain.

 It's interesting that in the same night, Jesus points out Judas as his betrayer, though no one understands, and warns Peter that he will deny him three times. Which betrayal is worse? Yes, obviously Judas' betrayal may seem the worst because of the suffering that Christ endures as a result, but Judas is always portrayed as shady, and Jesus knows that he has to die in order to fulfill his mission on earth. His suffering most likely would have happened with or without Judas. Peter, on the other hand, is not just another apostle but one of the most loyal, and one of the first to follow Christ. I imagine that Peter wasn’t just a follower of Christ, but a true friend of Christ. Yet, in the moment Jesus needs him the most, Peter will deny that relationship. Will act as if they don’t even know each other in order to protect his own life. Peter, the apostle he hold up as a leader, as a teacher, as the first Pope, arguably betrayed Christ in a worst way than Judas. Judas was never a true apostle…Peter was the apostle. His denial of Christ, his abandonment, left Jesus more alone at the end than he’d ever been in the days leading up to his death.

What's my point? Christ died for the salvation of humanity. Holy week is a time of both solemn remembrance and joyful anticipation of the resurrection. Jesus fulfilled his mission as the Son of God, but let’s not forget that he was also a man. Fully divine, fully human, with all of the complex emotions, responses, and reactions that come with that existence. I want us to remember, as we continue through this week, that the image of Jesus stepping from the tomb, having defeated death and opened the pathway to the Kingdom of God, is only part of the story. The other part is the image of a man, alone because he’s been misunderstood and abandoned by his friends, and afraid because he knows exactly what he must suffer to do God’s work. Yet, he remains determined to stay the course that God has given him, to fulfill his destiny and save the world. So, as we continue through this week and we remember the Passion of Christ and the glorious resurrection, let us praise the divine, but also remember the person. Because, it is in Christ’s complete humanity that we ourselves learn how to be human, and how to be in relationship with God even with our fears, our flaws, and our failings.

Amen.
Erin B.